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Diary - "Notes from Bobbieville"

One woman's thoughts as she walks through life...
Those of you who know Bobbie Munroe understand that she has an opinion on almost everything. From time to time, she will use this as a forum for sharing her thoughts with clients, family, and friends. The subject matter will, no doubt, be eclectic and may have absolutely nothing to do with financial planning.

November, 2004 November, 2003 November, 2002 November, 2001 December, 2000



November, 2004


Can We Talk?

I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was probably about 10 years old and it was very late at night. My Daddy and Uncle Dick were downstairs in the kitchen which was just below my bedroom. They were drinking and talking politics. I've always told people that "being loud" was just part of being a Munroe. That night, these two were definitely laying the groundwork for that erroneous belief as they shouted their differing opinions at one another. But, in addition to being loud, they were also being intelligent, well-informed, and interested in what each other had to say. They must have enjoyed themselves because this scene would replay itself at various times in the coming years. I was lucky. My house was where people came to talk about things that mattered. And disagreement only enhanced the discussion. Indeed, some people would play the devil's advocate just to increase the quality and scope of the conversation. Maybe that's why I have such a hard time understanding why people these days, young and old alike, tend to shy away from these conversations. I wonder why. Are they fearful of appearing opinionated or impolite, of having someone point out the flaws in their logic, of learning something new that might challenge their belief systems? Whatever the reason, it's certainly a shame because we need to talk to one another, perhaps now more than ever.

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Constructive Conversations

Some of my older relatives may read the part about Daddy and Dick and shake their heads, wondering what good ever came of those "talks." It is more than possible that these two loving brothers might have actually taken a swing at one another from time to time. But, if nothing else, the talks made me very aware at a young age that good people can disagree about important things. We shouldn't give up these conversations. Rather, we should work to make them constructive. It was with great delight that I watched Jon Stewart appear on Crossfire just before the presidential election. He told the hosts that they (and media in general) were part of the problem. That rather promoting an agenda of intelligent discourse, they continually resorted to bi-partisan sloganeering. My head involuntarily nodded "yes" as I watched Mr. Stewart, the host of Comedy Central's Daily Show, blast mainstream media for doing such a lousy job of journalism. So who or what is at fault for this sad state of affairs?

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Are You Getting The(ir) Message?

As sad as it may seem perhaps we, the public, are to blame. Evidently, many of us have the attention span of a gnat. Rather than expose ourselves to the complexity involved in many crucial issues we are perfectly content to accept "sound bite" solutions. After all, the kids need to be picked up or dropped off, we had a busy day at work, there's nothing for supper, or American Idol is on. In this reality, the spin-doctors are having a hay day. To say it shortly, succinctly, and often enough seems to make any message "true." And (big sigh) it works. As long as it does work, the chance for meaningful discourse continually wanes. I have a dear friend that is the president of a large national professional association. She had interviews scheduled with various news agencies so she thought it would be prudent to prepare with a media coach. The media coach would ask her various questions and, just as she was getting to the meat of her thoughtful answer, "BUZZZ" went the media coach. "That won't work. You need to keep it short and sweet. You need to just decide what message you want to deliver and then, regardless of the question you are asked, give the prepared message." OUCH! Most people have trouble listening. They are continually preparing what they are going to say rather than listening to what the other person is saying. From my friend's comments it seems like this is now considered "strategy" rather than just plain rude. At least it made me understand why I probably heard so few good answers during this election. Everyone's media coach was telling them that the question, that the conversation just didn't matter. Only the message mattered. People were talking "at" each other rather than "with" each other.

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Where Do We Go From Here?

It may seem to some that (with the help of media) we are more divided than ever as a nation. I beg to differ. I may be naïve but I believe that, regardless of whom we voted for, most of us are left of the religious right and right of the socialistic left. Certainly, we have been very vocal about our differences in this presidential year. But there is likely much common ground where we can meet and move forward to the benefit of all of us (the social security crisis, admittedly a political hot potato, would be a good place to start). To accomplish this, we must start to acknowledge that most issues are complicated and simplistic answers will not suffice. We must reject the sound bites and encourage constructive conversation. We must reach out to others and start a dialogue. We must honor those in the media and in government who support such dialogues. But most of all, we must listen.

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The Kicker

As I noted, the reason the political pundits use sound bites is because they work. We are incredibly susceptible to such tactics. As the recent election showed us, all it takes is a couple of hundred million dollars to get your message entrenched with your audience. As I pondered this, I couldn't help but think about the hundreds of billions of dollars that advertisers spend annually on marketing: promoting their products with catchy slogans, slick print ads, and visually stunning media. They, like the politicos, spend the money because it works. I fear that they have convinced many to measure their own success by the size of their home, the cost of their car, and the name brand on their clothing. I urge you with all my heart to reject these messages. Rather than accepting these false values, take the time to search your soul for your own measures of success. This might be more time with your children (it is true...they will only be young once), more time for volunteerism, more time to write that book you always meant to write, more time for just plain fun. Certainly, all of these "measures" have a financial component. But, in these cases, the money is a tool for success rather than a reflection of it. When possible live simpler lives, lives that are consistent with your values and not those of advertisers. In most cases this will also mean living happier lives.

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Did you know...

...that over the last 19 years, the average investor in equity mutual funds only earned 2.2% even though the equity markets returned double digits during the same time period? The reason? Individual investors, unlike institutions, often "sell low" after market declines and then "buy high" after markets have already rebounded. If you are truly a long-term investor (as you should be if you are investing), acknowledge but control your understandable emotional responses to down markets. And if you are my client be sure to call us whenever you have concerns.

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Gratitude

This is a tough subject this year. So many of you who are reading this recently lost someone special: a spouse, parent, sibling, child, or friend. But all of us have so many reasons to feel gratitude: for the times we have with loved ones, for good cookies, for sunny fall days, for those many small but special moments that make this life an incredible experience. Acknowledge your gratitude daily. And be sure to remind the people around you how special they are.

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November, 2003


On Turning 50...

"You are only old when your memories exceed your dreams."
-- Dr. Carl Hammerschlag/ FPA Retreat
Anyone within shouting distance already knows that hubby J.R. and I turned 50 this fall. It seems so strange now to look back at myself at 25. I was like a deer caught in the headlights searching for the meaning of life and not a clue about what to do next. Now, I see so many opportunities for contribution, growth, learning, and exploring. That's life's little trick. Now that I am wiser with expanded vision, I have decreased time.... at least in this world. One of the things that I have learned is that wisdom comes from experience and can rarely be taught. However, for those who are "listening," I thought I would share some of my own personal truths:
  • Be honest with others AND with yourself. After all, at the end of the day, all you own is your integrity.
  • Be flexible. I love dreaming about events/projects in detail. It's fun. But sometimes things don't go as planned. At those times don't let your immediate panic and building frustration ruin all the fun. Remember that last minute changes sometimes make things even better.
  • Be forgiving of others AND yourself. Since Adam and Eve got kicked out of the garden, it is our destiny to make mistakes. Learn from them and move forward. Remember, the holidays often provide good opportunities to heal (or reopen) many old wounds. Take advantage of any healing opportunities.
  • Accept help. Remember that in doing so, you don't diminish yourself. Rather you let other, caring individuals experience the joy of giving.
  • Give help. Perhaps all men were created equal. But it is folly to ignore the difference in circumstances that curtails the opportunity to "move up" for many people. Find a way to help your community (family, local, worldwide). You can make a difference, one person at a time.
  • Travel light. How many of us have closets that are so full they are hard to enter? I've gotten the "Clean Sweep" (show on TLC) fever and I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying letting go of "stuff." Go through your "stuff" and get rid of most of it. If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out or give it to someone who can use it. Think twice before you buy more "stuff" that will likely live most of its life in one of those all-too-full closets.
  • Celebrate your successes. Many of us pay too much attention to what hasn't been done while disregarding entirely the progress we have made. A suggestion: this holiday, gather your family and/or friends to make a list of all the good things that you have done this year, for others and yourselves. No entry is too insignificant. I promise this will brighten your holiday and provide "gas" for the future journey.
  • Be yourself. This is harder than you may suspect. From the day we are born our personal agendas are influenced by our family, friends, and culture. Add to this the media (which says you can never be young enough, rich enough, or skinny enough) and you have a recipe for satisfying everyone but yourself as you try to be what you think you "ought" to be. Take time for self-discovery. Have the courage to be you. Yes, you may initially encounter resistance, both internal and external. But I promise you, the world loves authenticity.
  • Be thankful. My media friend, Bob Veres, forwarded a comment by coaching guru Dan Sullivan: "He says that you (we all) should strive to be more grateful to more people with each passing year. " I concur wholeheartedly. We all have so many people to be grateful for (including the woman at the coffee shop who greets you each morning with a smile and your daily order). Take a moment this holiday season to say "thanks." What goes around comes around.
  • Dream. As Dr. Hammerschlag notes (see quote above) this is a certain way to stay young.

"The years teach much which the days never knew."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson


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Methinks We Complain Too Much...

"Nobody, as long as he moves about among the chaotic currents of life, is without trouble."
-- Carl Jung
As I start this, understand that I honor everyone's story; that I understand that the way national and global events affect us personally is important. But this year, I've read so many articles on the "fear" everyone is experiencing because of corporate scandals, the market decline over the past 3 years, 9-11, and the war in Iraq. Certainly, I have great sympathy for those who lost their entire retirement nest egg when Enron failed or, more importantly, someone they love on 9-11 or in Iraq. But we must remember that it's the media's job to turn every news event into a catastrophe. Indeed, their research shows that we are only interested in "bad" news. So that's what they give us and, as a consequence, our overall fear is heightened. I want to suggest to you that you take a broader view that, while conceding importance, considers each event relatively. Go back to the first part of the 20th century and remember times when people could die from minor infections (no "wonder" drugs), times when children of poorer families worked as slave labor in factories, times when political decisions were often made by a few men in smoke-filled rooms, times like the depression when many were jobless and without food. Go back even further to remember pioneer families (from those who settled the American west to those who first left Africa) who approached the unknown with limited resources and many obstacles, to remember a world before the printed word (or even written language for most), to remember when dictatorship (benign or otherwise) was the common form of government. I think of these things and smile at the life I am so fortunate to lead. The bottom line? Understand that everyone has obstacles. These obstacles are personally important and certainly deserve our attention. But, at the very least, give as much attention to the wonderful things in your life (from a new baby in the family to a particularly beautiful sunset). So many of us start each day in fear. Instead, start each day by making a list of the things you are thankful for. You'll discover your days are brighter even if the sun isn't shining.

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Avoiding The "Ruts"

"The only difference between a rut and a grave is the dimensions."
-- WMS Miller
I often like to share things of value. Recently, Mitch Anthony, one of my mentors, forwarded the following except from the book The Right Questions by Debbie Ford. As you contemplate choices in your daily life, take the time to ask yourself these questions. They will surely help you avoid the ruts.
  1. Will this choice propel me toward an inspiring future, or will it keep me stuck in the past?
  2. Will this choice bring me long-term fulfillment, or will it bring me short-term gratification?
  3. Will this choice add to my life force, or will it rob me of my energy?
  4. Does this choice empower me, or does it dis-empower me?


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Getting Political - A Brief Observation

Many of you may think it's a bit tacky to "get political" in a holiday newsletter. Those that know how I was raised will understand that this is only natural for me. There is no doubt that Saddam Hussein is a wicked tyrant and that our invasion of Iraq provided relief to many innocent parties. That is not the question at hand. Indeed, if we are going to make that our benchmark for invasion of an independent county, this is the first of many battles we should fight (even in countries without valuable natural resources). The notable disappointment for many of us is that the US does not have a consistent foreign policy (we arm those who we will later fight); that we refuse to build consensus with our international allies; that our actions undoubtedly alienate moderate Arabs that could otherwise become our allies; and most of all, that our government is not totally truthful at the outset of such "missions" in regard to the nature of the aftermath (though what thoughtful person could have believed that Iraq was going to be a quick "in and out"). Even many conservatives were aware of the possible consequences of our recent action in Iraq:

In his memoirs, "A World Transformed," written five years ago, George Bush (Senior) wrote the following to explain why he didn't go after Saddam Hussein at the end of the Gulf War:

    "Trying to eliminate Saddam...would have incurred incalculable Human and political costs. Apprehending him was probably impossible.... We would have been forced to occupy Baghdad and, in effect, rule Iraq.... There was no viable "exit strategy" we could see, violating another of our principles.
    Furthermore, we had been self-consciously trying to set a pattern for handling aggression in the post-Cold War world. Going in and occupying Iraq, thus unilaterally exceeding the United Nations' mandate, would have destroyed the precedent of international response to aggression that we hoped to establish. Had we gone the invasion route, the United States could conceivably still be an occupying power in a bitterly hostile land."

My sincere best wishes for a safe return to all of your family or friends serving in Iraq, fighting what may be an un-winnable war - yes the long-term verdict is still out (anyone remember Viet Nam?). May we as a nation continue to remember that dissent is an important part of democracy and those who do not agree with current policy are no less "patriotic" (perhaps this has been the hardest pill to swallow during the public debate over this war). God bless America and in her wisdom make us wiser for our experiences.

November, 2002

"A journey is like a marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
-- Steinbeck


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Life is a Journey

Now that you've had your laugh, let's talk about the journey of life and how we can all make it more fulfilling. Acceptance is a major theme in many religions. Sure, it sounds good but even people who have deep roots in their faith often have a problem with this. Certainly, I've traveled down many roads to get even close to the one that leads to acceptance. My ego was so convinced that I could "control" my life. After years of trying, I understand that this is impossible. Life is always one step ahead of my attempts to control it. If/when you accept this, you can move forward with renewed vigor. I'm still "on the road" but I would like to share some thoughts on my journey to this place.

"Always look on the bright side of life."
-- Monty Python's Life of Brian


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Having a Positive Attitude in the Face of Reality

Many people I know are skeptical of "feel-good gurus" and to some extent I understand. These "gurus" often tout feel-good techniques that are not reality based. Dr. Harry Olson, a professional associate of mine and owner of Maximum Potential, says that there are two types of optimism:

  1. Optimism based on denial of difficulty - this type crashes when setbacks break through denial.
  2. Optimism based on courage to squarely face difficulty. This person walks into his or her fear. This person sees opportunity in obstacles and is proactive and creative, confident in his or her ability to overcome, and strong in faith.
(The above is an excerpt from Harry's Weekly Tip for Champions. For more tips visit www.harryolson.com/tip) All roads to true acceptance travel through the forest of reality. While I actively promote optimism to family, friends, and clients, I make sure they understand that they must face the realities in their lives. Once they face these realities, they can proceed to acceptance and optimism.
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
-- Thomas Edison



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The Right Answer vs. The Good Answer

J. R. (my husband) used to say that I would rather be right than be happy. And, at that time and place, he was right. Ouch! The object of the game is to get what you want. The "right answer" often guards the gate to fulfillment like a warrior for hire. On the other hand, the "good answer" can often serve as a key to that gate. Some examples to show you what I am talking about:

  • I was headed off to Florida with a car chock full of precariously packed items for the farm. I was in such a hurry as I had to be there for a real estate closing that afternoon. I was still in Atlanta, stopped at a light, when I simply took my foot off the brake. My head was down, looking for some necessity, when I rolled into the back of a large truck in front of me. Although I was going slow (no gas), the "bump" sent everything around me flying, including one very full Coca Cola. The reality was I messed up. The old me would have focused on this. But when I got out of the car, the reality was also that there was no damage to the truck, it's driver, or me and, while my car did have damage to the grill and the headlights, I was still going to be able to drive it. I thought to myself, "Yeah, I'm not going to have to repaint the car." The new me would suggest that this was the good response, the "good answer." The trip turned out great even though I surely looked like a redneck Momma driving down the road with duct tape around my headlights.
  • Let's say you have a 30 year old "child" living at home with little to no direction for the future. His only financial responsibility is to pay his personal bills like his car note and insurance. Day to day, as you review the incoming mail, you continue to see late notices and collection agency requests addressed to the "child." The "right" answer is that the "child" is ruining his credit, may get his car repossessed, or may get fined for expired insurance. You want to step in and "make it right" like you did when he/she was younger and in trouble. I would suggest that the good answer, the one that will get you "what you want" (an "adult" child) might be to step aside and let him/her take a fall. Reality factor: The good answer is not always the easy answer. And in this case, if one of those bills is for medical insurance (and you can't stand the idea of him getting hurt or sick and ending up at Grady Hospital with other indigents), you may choose to just take care of that bill and let everything else go. The important thing is that once you decide on the "good answer" you commit to it. "Letting go" applies not only to the child himself but also to your possible feelings of guilt for having done so.
  • You and your spouse have divided up household tasks and it is your spouse's job to take out the trash. But they don't. You end up having the job of constantly reminding them (some folks call this nagging) to do it. The right answer is that you are a partnership and your spouse should live up to his/her commitment to the family. You feel fully justified in reminding him/her of this. Unfortunately this rarely changes things and can even make it worse. Look outside the box for the "good answer," the answer that will get you what you want. In this case there may be many good answers. One might be to just quit reminding the spouse and let the trash pile up. I know, again this is difficult. Most "good answers" require acceptance of things or conditions we might not like. But one thing I can tell you is that having that same old "conversation" means that things probably won't change...ever.
  • I was getting ready to write this letter tonight and got very nervous about the task. My heart started racing and I started pacing. The right answer is that I am probably scared at revealing myself yet again, of not being "perfect," of not being inspirational. The good answer is that the nervousness has also increased my energy level. I can use this to my benefit... if I choose to.
I think you get the drift. You have so many opportunities to choose the good answer. Issues range from daily interactions with others (and ourselves) to major challenges faced by most families. Learn to accept the fact that the journey of life is full of challenges. Nothing you can do will change that. What you can change is how you deal with these challenges. Don't let "being right" stand in the way of a happier, healthier you. Happy traveling.

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Sharing Your Reality with the Professionals in Your Life

I was at the oral surgeon's office last month to get some much dreaded gum work done. My doctor, Dr. Flynn, is a caring practitioner and he called me that night to see how I was doing. He asked me, "Have you been smoking?" All of a sudden I was an 8 year old with cookie crumbs around my mouth, my mother asking, "Did you eat those cookies?" I told him no. It was a lie but somehow I justified it by thinking that I had cut way down, only smoking one cigarette since my office visit. After I hung up, I started wondering if this is how my clients feel about some of the questions I ask them. Do they suddenly become children in the face of a perceived authority figure, answering with what their interior eight year old perceives to be the good answer ("Who me? No, Mama, I didn't have any cookies.")? Later I shared these thoughts with Dr. Flynn as I am sharing them with you. When dealing with the professionals in our lives, be they doctors, financial planners, accountants, coaches, we often "dress up" our lives. Not only is that unnecessary, it is counter-productive, often impeding the professional from rendering appropriate treatment/advice/counseling. So take your shoes off and get comfortable with the professionals in your life. Let them know the real you. As for me, I'm certainly going to try and make my little lie to Dr. Flynn my last such lie for sometime to come.

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FINAL THOUGHTS: You don't have enough time? If you don't plan, you never will.

Wait a second. Haven't I been talking about the journey of life and your inability to control it? Yes I have. But controlling and planning are very different things. You can't control the fact that life will have its pitfalls. But planning can help you survive many of life's pitfalls while expending less precious energy and time doing so. Planning can help you determine your values and goals and prioritize your life accordingly. Certainly, you will have to make adjustments to your plan along the way as new issues arise (a new job, a child, a death, a move). Life requires flexibility. But having a plan (both short-term, like how am I going to get through the day and long-term, like will I ever want to retire and, if so, will I have enough money) will help you make time for those things that are most important to you. Plan for time with your spouse/family/friends. Plan for taking adventures throughout your life instead of waiting until some day in the distant future. Plan for installing that garden you have wanted for years. It beats the hell out of waking up one day saying, "I just wish I had ..."

November, 2001

"What a long, strange trip it's been."
-- Grateful Dead


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Reflections of a Baby Boomer

Over the past 14 months, I have been to two milestone reunions, my 30th at Westminster and my 25th at Rice. Am I really that old? JR and I "hang out" with so many "young" people that I often just forget. At least until the differences in our history becomes obvious in conversation. And there are differences as certainly exist between all generations. But somehow this feels different. "Our generation is different." I've approached this subject with various people and usually get laughed at. One of my dear uncles replied, "Isn't every generation." Well, I've thought about it a lot and stick by my guns. But perhaps the "generation" I refer to is bigger than the baby boom and includes all of us who lived more than 40 years in the 20th century. Certainly there are events that shape every generation and we've had ours: the rise and fall of communism, Vietnam, Civil Rights. But these are not what I am talking about. I believe that history will show that the 20th century was a great dividing line in the evolution of civilization. That families and cultures will look significantly different after the transition than they did before. Let's take a look at some of the developments I think shape this "evolution."

  • The Atomic Bomb - For over 50 years we've lived with weapons of mass destruction and delivery methods that insure our ability to annihilate ourselves. How could this not shape our destiny in previously unheard of ways?
  • The Pill - I still remember my first visit to Planned Parenthood when I was 17. I was overjoyed by my ability to control my own sexual destiny. And I wasn't alone. With greater reliability than ever, women were able to plan their families and careers. The impact on family life is undeniable.
  • Advances in Biotechnology - So many issues-some negative, many positive, all without precedence. We can clone a sheep, we can help infertile couples have a family, and our ability to cure diseases of all kinds is just on the horizon. Sure there are moral issues. But what great advance is devoid of them?
  • The Moon Landing - I thought twice about including this example, as the need for exploration and discovery seem to be inherent in man since the beginning of our history. But for the first time, we left the planet. And, as astronauts looked back on our planet, shining in the darkness of space as they traveled to the moon, for the first time we understood that we are all citizens of one Earth.
  • Computers and the Information Age - My ability to plan my workday has been shot ever since fax machines became prevalent. Everything is "go, go, now, now" with no slowdown in sight. The human brain when coupled with a powerful computer can complete what would previously be a lifetime of research in mere months. We have the ability to share information globally and with little restriction, an advance which will nurture more discoveries in a shorter time than we can even dream of. Information on almost anything is readily available (sometimes whether you want it or not). I'm sure that men of the Iron Age looked upon their new tools as "life changing," as they certainly were. And people who experienced the Industrial Revolution saw great cultural changes as people moved from rural areas to cities with factories and industry. But are such times really analogous? I don't think so.
Things change as they always have. But the changes used to be few and far between. If anything, we are the " transition generation" who struggled to adapt to a world where change is the rule and not the exception. Certainly those that come after us will be born knowing that the landscape of their lives will differ from year to year. But we were born into a world where people often lived in the same house with the same job and the same friends for their entire lifetimes. Not anymore. It's been a difficult transition with many casualties along the way. But it's been exciting. And I wouldn't have it any other way. "Come on people now, smile on your brother. Everybody get together try and love one another.....right now."

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Alienation vs. Connection - The Lesson of 9-11

One of the most interesting things I became aware of at my reunions is how easy it is to feel alienated from those around us. Certainly, reunions are a time for renewing dear friendships and valued acquaintances. And this does make us feel "connected." But it is also a time when we remember that estranged teenager that lives within us: perhaps the one that wasn't part of the "in group," the one that ate lunch alone, the one that didn't get invited to the prom. You know, that estranged teenager often still lives in the adult in us making it hard for us to identify with those around us. I listened to and read (on questionnaires) tales of such alienation and couldn't help but wonder about our fate as human beings. If such basically homogeneous groups of people had such difficulty finding common ground, of "belonging," how were groups of people from significantly different cultures going to find a firm basis for understanding and cooperation? It so happened that the high school reunion was just after the September 11th attacks, attacks that were definitely incited by a collision of cultures (albeit with a hefty portion of dangerous and malevolent nuts thrown in). How was America, a country that had long struggled with the diversity within, going to resolve this conflict of culture? The answer became clearer as the days passed. We would start from within. In the days following the attack, suddenly we were no longer black or white, Jewish or Muslim, liberal or conservative. We were Americans. The examples of cross-cultural cooperation were numerous. NYC reveled in its "melting pot" complexion. There were stories of Jewish women who shopped for Muslim women who were understandably afraid to leave their homes. One of the events that touched me the most was the memorial service in Yankee Stadium. I got chill bumps as the Harlem Youth Choir sang a glorious rendition of "We Shall Overcome." It was as if the African American population was giving this song, a song of endurance and triumph, a song that had long been reserved as the anthem of their own struggles, to all of us. And so I smiled. Yes, we had endured a great national tragedy. But perhaps, even as the smoke still rose from ground zero, some benefit would emerge. Perhaps we would start to learn as a nation to look past the color of a person's skin, their religion, their politics, their sex, their sexual preference, and realize we were more alike than we were different. We are bound by our ability to experience both love and pain, by our commitment to family, friends, and community, by our need to feel "connected." And so I hope. I hope that this unity born of disaster will not be like the fantastic flower that blooms gloriously only to fade in a few days. I hope it will be like the hardy perennial that endures cold winters and drought and provides satisfying blossoms for many years. I hope it spreads like a vigorous ground cover to obscure national boundaries. That would be an honorable legacy from all of this. So I encourage you to reach out to those who aren't like you. Invite them into your lives. Perhaps one day we will see two bumper stickers on the cars we pass: "Proud to be an American" and "Proud to be a citizen of the world." I hope.

"In the field of opportunity it's plowing time again."
-- Neil Young

"Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, 'Grow, grow.'"
-- The Talmud



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Making a Case for Charitable Giving

The outpouring of financial generosity from Americans since the September 11th attacks has been enormous. Indeed, charities for New York relief efforts have raised over a billion and a half dollars. This is very good news. But, as with most things, there are two sides to the story. Traditionally, Americans give about 2 billion dollars a year to charity. There is some concern in the charitable community that, especially given the economic downturn, this amount will remain fixed and dollars typically given to local charities that were diverted to the New York efforts will not be replaced. If true, this could be disastrous and cuts in programs that serve your/our community could be drastic. So, if you were one of the lucky ones who have weathered the economic storm and emerged with your ship "in tact" I implore you to find a cause you are interested in and give generously. Such gifts are not without personal rewards. The satisfaction you and your family receive from making such a gift in this holiday season will shine brighter than any holiday lights. And (says the financial planner) it will be good stimulus for the economy as in most cases, charities operate on a shoestring budget and any gifts given (unless specified otherwise) will be spent on the day-to-day needs of the donee. (NOTE: Clients are encouraged to contact us for documentation requirements and tax-wise strategies for larger gifts.)

"If you can walk, you can dance. If you can talk, you can sing."

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"Can't" Never Did Nothin'

I'm looking up at the sunset sky I painted on my office ceiling over the last 2 days. It isn't perfect but what is? My body is sore but that will fade. It was so much fun to think about it and even to actually do it. A little scary perhaps. You see, I was one of those children that couldn't draw (I still can't). For years, I thought that meant I wasn't an "artistic" person. I, and others, labeled myself at an early age and it's taken until my 40s to get over it. There's no telling how many fun projects I avoided for so many years because I thought "I couldn't do it." The moral of this story? Avoid labels that limit you and don't wait until you are 40. As Rosetta, the woman who helped raised me, used to always say, "Can't never did nothin'."

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"Never, Never, Never Give Up."

As many of you know, the beginning of my year was pretty rocky. On New Year's Day, my dear brother Tuck was sitting on my sofa very depressed and more than a little drunk. He had been drunk for days (years?). The good news is that, with several months of rehab and an outstanding outpouring of love and support from his extended family and friends (thank you all), he is now sober. Even better than that, he is spiritually "awake" for the first time in years and is working diligently for a life that is filled with joy, family, and friends. Tuck didn't give up. As for me, this year, which started out on such a low point, turned out to be my best in more than a decade. You just never know. I tell my clients that, when traveling the road of life, they need to take the time to enjoy the view from the high points (and I have) as the road will surely travel back down into the valley. But that's OK. I am sure the view from the next hill is magnificent.

"If you aren't happy, pretend that you are. It's mostly in the trappings."
-- Ali McBeal's Therapist


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Better Living Through Chemistry

You know, I do believe this. So much in fact that I've spent the last few years doing some serious work on me. It wasn't that I wasn't happy. I'm one of those people who is eternally optimistic. But boy was I moody. Anxiety and worry would often get the best of me. The result: compulsion, perfectionism, insomnia and uncontrolled anger. And this after years with self-study on the causes of anxiety and methods for dealing with it. I was beginning to believe that maybe this "disorder" was something my subconscious just didn't want to fix. (I've always had lingering thoughts that my shortcomings, so linked to my passion for life, were to some extent what made me special. How's that for convenient thinking?) After all, the anxious me who never sleeps and worries about the smallest detail does get an awful lot done. But one day post-rehab, I was talking to my brother, Tuck, and went into one of my spur of the moment rants. The new, wiser Tuck didn't get defensive. Instead, he said with feeling and concern, "Bobbie Dow, I'm just scared one day you are going to work yourself up into a heart attack and I'll lose you." Well this set me down pretty hard. It was only a few short months before that I had been worried about losing him. He wasn't the only one giving out advice. My doctor, who has watched me run so fast for years, occasionally head on into a brick wall, was also concerned. He was smart about the way he approached it. He congratulated me on all the behavioral work I had done (and it had helped). But he said he had something he wanted me to try. And finally I was ready. So I started taking Paxil, an anti-anxiety drug. I was one of the lucky ones. I swear I started to feel the beneficial effects in only a week. It's been pretty much smooth sailing since then. Sure, the obstacles and worrisome events keep coming...they always will. But the new me (the one who sleeps and enjoys her weekends) is able to think before reacting. It is much easier to apply those behavioral lessons I so diligently learned, to let go of things I can't control and concentrate on those I can, to accept others (AND myself) for who they are and not who I would have them to be. I mention all of this because for years, I have been an advocate of chemical therapies as I've seen them work so well for others ("Better living through chemistry" as one long-time friend puts it). And yet, for so long I resisted taking anything myself. A lot of wasted time. You know, we don't think twice about diabetics taking daily injections of insulin (in conjunction with a good diet-there is always an active role for one to play in their own self-help) to regulate their blood sugar. I submit that similarly there is no blame or shame in using other fruits of scientific advances to advance our own well-being. So if you are suffering with anxiety or depression, talk to your doctor. It may take time to find the cure (chemical therapy in conjunction with behavioral changes) that works for you but it is definitely worth the effort. My husband and staff now have a new cheer they recite every time I act appropriately in an adverse situation....."Go Paxil, go Paxil."

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December, 2000


Damn the Obstacles, Full Speed Ahead

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin-real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."
-- Alfred D. Souza

Boy, does this sound familiar to anyone but me? I suspect we all live part of our lives in this state of mind. The lucky ones figure it out early. Then there are those, the diehards, that perpetually and literally bind themselves with the petty details of daily life, never taking the time, or the chance to discover and live their dream. There is some safety in this as it is familiar territory. You accept the frustrations that have become almost comfortable, you reach for only those things you know you can grasp, and yet part of you longs for some missing component, a "happiness" component if you will. I was watching TV the other night and it was one of those unusual times when a character actually had something meaningful to say. He reminisced, "Comes a time when a man has done what he can and it's just not happening. Time's running out and he's facing the fact he may never make it wherever he wanted to go . So he just sits back and let's go. His life opens up like a clinched fist and it's like the universe was just waiting to put everything he wanted into the palm of his hand. " This guy was middle aged which is consistent with his reflections. But I can remember being only 20 and stuck like a deer in the headlights as I contemplated my future. I can remember one Christmas evening at my Uncle Dick's house. I was home from college and I can still hear today as clearly as I did then, a cousin's husband remark, "There goes Bobbie Dow talking about the meaning of life again." Didn't I have to figure it all out before I began?

"If you think you can or think you can't you're right."
-- Henry Ford
I think that most of what holds us back is fear: fear of leaving the security of the "known," fear of failure. But as I've said many times before, this is irrational. First, why should there be comfort in maintaining a miserable environment just because it is familiar? And, heavens, how can you ever learn anything new unless you are willing to fail? Most successful people indicate that they learned more from their failures than they did from their successes.
"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it."
-- Goethe
In the past few years, I've done a much better job of facing my fears, accepting them and then moving on. This has meant substituting the standard of excellence for one of perfection. It has meant searching my heart for the person I want to be rather than opting out lazily for the being the person I think I "should be." It has meant loving those around me for who they are and not what I would have them to be. And as I let go of my fears, my universe expands and I see new and exciting opportunities for "being." Sure, the day to day of it is still often a pain. I will always contend that this is part of our ultimate legacy from original sin. But these days, I not so unhappy to be "kicked out of the garden." There's just so much to see, so much to do, so much to feel, if I'll just open my heart. I invite you to open your hearts, too.
"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me. But it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes, I feel like I'm seeing it all at once. And it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude. For every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about. But don't worry............. you will someday."

Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey)
American Beauty
(As he dies at the end.)



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