Diary - "Notes from Bobbieville"

• John Adams - Statesman
• Keeping Up With The Jones---NOT!
• Where Am I?

• "Facing the Future of Social Security, Medicare, and US Debt."
• Top 5 List - Things We Should Worry About
• Quick Thoughts: Life Expectancy, Mississippi River, Cancel Christmas?

• Can We Talk
• Constructive Conversations
• Are You Getting The(ir) Message?
• Where Do We Go From Here
• The Kicker
• Did You Know
• Gratitude

• On Turning 50
• Methinks We Complain Too Much
• Avoiding the Ruts
• Getting Political - A Brief Observation

• Life is a Journey
• Having a Positive Attitude in the Face of Reality
• The Right Answer vs. The Good Answer
• Sharing Your Reality with the Professionals in Your Life
• FINAL THOUGHTS: You don't have enough time? If you don't plan, you never will.

• Reflections of a Baby Boomer
• Alienation vs. Connection - The Lesson of 9-11
• Making a Case for Charitable Giving
• "Can't" Never Did Nothin'
• "Never, Never, Never Give Up."
• Better Living Through Chemistry

• Damn the obstacles. Full speed ahead.

November, 2006

"Statues and monuments will never be erected to me, nor flattering orations spoken, to transmit me to posterity in brilliant colors..."
-- John Adams

• He was a true leader. He refused to succumb to public opinion even though embracing the cause of war could have insured his victory. What matters enough to you enough to endure personal sacrifice?
• He was willing to take personal risks as evidenced by his initiation of contact with Jefferson after so many years of silence. We all benefit from the rekindling of that friendship. Is it time for you to reach out to someone, to mend broken fences?
• He loved strong women. Indeed, it is well known that he both listened to and respected the counsel of his wife, Abigail Adams. Together they made great personal sacrifices in the service of our nation. Have you identified personal and professional alliances of the heart in your own life?
• He was an insatiable letter writer. His missives, particularly those to his beloved wife and to Jefferson speak volumes about his strengths and weaknesses, his successes and failures and about the times in which he lived, times that gave birth to our democracy. Have you left your own "legacy of thought" for those who come after you? If not why not start this holiday season while you have the video camera out of the closet?

"Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it."
-- George Santayana

One of the reasons many people feel dissatisfied with their lives is that they keep comparing themselves to others who seem to have more money, more stuff, more satisfaction. I'm constantly reminding anyone who will listen that those people they envy probably also have more debt. And it's likely they also live a life of envy. After all, there will always be someone with more, more, more. You can never catch up. That's why it's important to create your own definition of success.

This year, I discovered that one of my associates has a shopping club of sorts. She and her friends get together about 3 times a year to discuss their wardrobes. They consult with each other in advance of an actual shopping trip about what new pieces they need to update their look and how new purchases might fit in with their existing clothes. The object is to look fantastic without spending much money. They even award prizes to the people who get the biggest discount off retail price (of course this has to be on clothing they actually wear and not the bargain bin pink and purple sweater that no one would be caught dead in). Wow….a place where friends publicly acknowledge that spending too much isn't a good idea and where they support each other's good money behavior. Fantastic!

I wondered out loud with professional friends if there was some way we could attractively package this notion and "sell" it to Americans, Americans who in general are drowning in their "stuff." I was told that there was already an organization called Debtors Anonymous. YUCK! That is just not a very attractive or motivating name. When I asked a variety of people, it seems that they would be far more likely to acknowledge a drinking problem and join AA than do likewise with a spending problem and join Debtors Anonymous (seems like alcoholism is the king of dysfunctions, widely preferred to a myriad of other personal problems).

So the question remains: How do we support each other to reject the insidious advertising messages that permeate out lives and adopt good money habits? I'm still not sure of the answer. But I do know one thing…..if you don't want to drink, don't hang out in bars; ergo, if you don't want to spend, don't go shopping and don't hang out with those who make it a lifestyle. Find friends who are more purposeful about how they spend their time and their money. Have someone you can talk with honestly and without shame about your spending…a friend, clergy, or an advisor (frankly, spouses are rarely a great fit for this). Find non-monetary ways to reward your good money behavior (for those like me, food probably isn't a good candidate). We are in a time of the year where it is so very easy to overspend….largely on gifts that might go straight to the closet and never see the light of day. I encourage you to find other ways to show your love. I suspect that with a little thinking, you'll come up with some marvelous ideas.

Note: Don't assume that I am just talking about those who don't have or make much money. It seems that spending inflates to consume almost any income. So the problem is outflow. Sometimes it is hard to recognize our own dysfunction around money, even when there are obvious signs like overdue bills. There are two cable TV shows that I recommend: A&E's Big Spender and Style Channel's Maxed Out. They aren't perfect by any means. But I'm sure that everyone can pinpoint at least one of their problem areas by watching, be it shoes, manicures, motorcycles or whatever. Better yet, read The Financial Wisdom of Ebenezer Scrooge by my friends Rick Kahler, Ted Klontz, and his son Brad Klontz. It's easier to "do the right thing" when you've taken a good look at who you are and what you want most from life. Now THAT would make a great Christmas present.

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My neighborhood just got Atlanta's first "urban" WalMart. Of course, it opened to mixed reviews from those who live here who were very vocal about everything from the wonderful convenience to WalMart's evil empire. Practical me, I worry about the traffic. But the bigger issue as I see it is not the WalMart but the retail package that included everything from TJ Max to Office Depot to PetSmart. I've traveled a lot this fall and seen the same shopping center everywhere: Seattle, San Antonio, Nashville. It reminds me of the time I went to Nice France, got off the plane and saw a sign that said "Cote d'Azur" next to one that proclaimed "Welcome to Marlboro Country" and this was back in 1986. I fear that our neighborhoods are loosing their "flavor." It didn't bother me so much when this was limited to Suburbia as it didn't seem to have much flavor anyway. But now that it's happening in my own back yard, an in-town area with a history (which has admittedly includes nude dancing establishments), I'm concerned that the day is near where I won't be able to tell where the hell I am by my surroundings. I'll do some pondering on that in the coming years from my own little piece of heaven. The good news is that I will save energy as I now have little need to go more than a mile from my house.

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November, 2005

I was feeling pretty excited in late September. Financial Planning week was on the horizon and I saw this as the culmination of my year of service as president of the Financial Planning Association of Georgia. We were planning a terrific event: "Facing the Future of Social Security, Medicare, and U.S. Debt." Exciting stuff, right? I have to remember sometimes that I'm a nerd. In retrospect, the event title probably wasn't the best for beefing up attendance. On paper, everything looked great. Rather than "go it alone" we formed a powerful group of sponsoring organizations to include other planners and CPAs. The Concord Coalition, a national bi-partisan group that promotes fiscal responsibility, was providing a dynamic speaker. And Emory University Center for Lifelong Learning offered a terrific venue. The event was interactive (each group would decide how they would balance the budget…one group creatively suggested selling California:) so boredom shouldn't be an issue. With lots of good promotion, I was riding high and expected at least 250 people (and hoped for 400). We ended up with about 80. I guess I was just so very naïve.

I should have seen a big red flag way back in August. I was enthusiastically talking up the event to anyone who would listen (the more attendees, the more media attention, and a greater chance that we could make a good dent in public perception). One afternoon, I was specifically talking to a gentleman in his late seventies. He simply stated, "You sound like you think you can make a difference." I answered, "Maybe I can't but we can." I couldn't help but think "good answer" even as my stomach tightened. You see, this was the kind of man who does care. While it's a major understatement to say we don't always agree, he does keep himself currently educated on a variety of public issues and has opinions on all of them. He's proactive enough that he regularly sends his thoughts to area newspapers. That day, I heard him loud and clear as he echoed what many must think: "I can't change anything so why bother." Impotence. Whether they were born this way or just worn down over time, I knew that none of the people in this group would be coming. They weren't the only ones.

Some people said they didn't have enough time. But weren't we talking about their future and that of their children and grandchildren? At least no one opted out because "they were washing their hair" that night. I think many of the more general reasons people gave for not coming were really ruses to hide their very real fear. One of my clients summed it up best: "Bobbie, I really don't want to face the future." I thanked him sincerely for this very honest answer. But it wasn't good news for my acid reflux. Now I had a new group that wouldn't be coming: those who chose ignorance (probably for their own future as well as the country's future). Impotence and chosen ignorance; two very powerful obstacles. At least by now I had the good sense to call the catering department and lower the expected attendance to 150.

Well, I am thankful for the 80 who did show up. I told them they were the kind of people who planted trees they would never see mature understanding that their efforts would benefit those who followed them. I called it "mature intelligence." Now I'm sure there are many people who couldn't show but who do have this "mature intelligence." Life is just so damn full of "to dos." But I did have to realize that it would take more than good people with a good message to do some serious education on this (and frankly many other serious issues that we face as a nation). What really galled me is that there are ways to sway public opinion/action. Advertisers have perfected the art of studying people and using the resulting information to push product (and yes, they are pushing product at you all the time). Indeed, TV ads can even teach 10 year olds to whine "with importance" as that is more likely to produce a purchase (not "Mama I want a Barbie house" but "Mama, I want a Barbie house so that Ken and Barbie can start a family."). Politicians regularly massage information and use ads to get your vote. But this all takes money and lots of it. I worry that the quiet whisperings of the good guys will get lost in all the self-serving, agenda-driven noise.

The event was very informative. The budget that attendees were asked to balance was the one the Congressional Budget Office projects for 10 years hence if there are no changes in current provisions. It predicted a whopping $1.5 trillion deficit (not total debt mind you, just the overspending predicted for a single year). You couldn't talk about balancing the budget without a serious discussion of social security and Medicare as, in 2004, social security and health care made up 44% of all federal spending. I've heard several people remark that, if social security is broken, Medicare is a train wreck (and welcome the new and confusing prescription drug bill that we simply can't afford). You weren't going to fix the problem by cutting international (foreign aid) and/or environmental spending as each is only 1% of total spending. This was when everything got really funny (I guess you had to be there). Groups were asked to pretend they were in Congress, to review the budget items and see what they would recommend (remembering that they wanted to get re-elected). Completely frustrated with the task, opposing opinions at their table, and the limited time and information they had (much like a real Congressperson), many just threw their hands up in surrender. But they did so laughingly. There was a sense of camaraderie among these very diverse people who came together to learn, to participate, and hopefully to take it all home to their families, friends, and co-workers. They were willing to face the future even if it made them feel vulnerable. I thank them for giving me hope. But one thing's for sure: it will take more than hope to turn this ship around. In the bright light of all of this, I remain optimistic about our future. If I wasn't I really wouldn't care about any of this.

ONE: Social Security, Medicare, and US Debt.
FYI, the U.S. Debt is now about $8 Trillion (with a T) and an end to deficit spending just isn't in sight. Within 10-12 years, Social Security will start paying out more than it is taking in. We've already spent all the money in the "trust fund" so any talk about when it's exhausted is a waste of time. Rising health care costs and increased longevity will most certainly create havoc with Medicare. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

TWO: Poverty
Yes, poverty has been around for a while. But in 2004, U. S. poverty increased for the 5th year in a row. Interestingly enough, the levels among Hispanics and African Americans remained level and Asians dropped. The only group showing an increase was non-Hispanic whites. New Orleans wasn't about race. It was about social class. I really think leadership missed a huge opportunity when they threw money at the problem rather than make a concerted and continuing call to all Americans to pitch in and adopt misplaced families, serving as their much needed temporary support system and perhaps as long-term mentors.

"The income gap between the rich and the rest of the US population has become so wide, and it is growing so fact, that it might eventually threaten the stability of democratic capitalism itself." A. Greenspan

THREE: Energy
Two months ago I was paying about $3.50 per gallon for super….my old Caddy demands it. And that was when I could get it (there were spot shortages in the SE for months). This week it was down to $2.09. Suddenly old those SUVs that sat on the roadsides with "for sale" signs are gone. But the problem isn't gone. Oil production in the Gulf Coast still isn't back to 100%. And, believe it or not, the damage could have been worse. The hurricanes are going to keep on coming and we've had a small taste of just how vulnerable we are. Does anybody out there have a plan….something that doesn't involve guns?

FOUR: The U.S. Dollar
A year ago, the U.S. dollar hit record lows against the Euro. Since 1976, we've imported more than we've exported. Our trade deficit hit a record $654 billion in 2004 (this is 50% more than what we spend on defense). And our internal deficit continues to mount (we are the world's largest debtor). Is it any wonder that the dollar's status as the world's preferred global reserve currency is in jeopardy? So what… We'll it seems we don't even own our debt. Instead, almost 80% of US Debt is foreign owned. Those dang foreigners might just decide that they don't want any stinking dollars. Katie bar the door when they start running for the exits.

FIVE: Leadership
Back to New Orleans. Could you find worse examples of leadership at any level, in either party? This is just one example and the list goes on and on and on……. I would vote for someone who loves dressing up in his mother's clothes or lost her virginity in high school if he/she could just provide some much needed leadership. Give us the bad news. Ask us to make needed sacrifices to get back on track. I'd much rather "pay you now than pay you later." I think most of you would agree.

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"Life expectancy increases with increasing medical knowledge. Medical knowledge is doubling every five years. By the time today's 40 year-olds reach their current life expectancy of 81, medical knowledge will increase a staggering 256 times! By then, life expectancy could reach age 90 or more."
- Grady Cash

November, 2004

I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was probably about 10 years old and it was very late at night. My Daddy and Uncle Dick were downstairs in the kitchen which was just below my bedroom. They were drinking and talking politics. I've always told people that "being loud" was just part of being a Munroe. That night, these two were definitely laying the groundwork for that erroneous belief as they shouted their differing opinions at one another. But, in addition to being loud, they were also being intelligent, well-informed, and interested in what each other had to say. They must have enjoyed themselves because this scene would replay itself at various times in the coming years. I was lucky. My house was where people came to talk about things that mattered. And disagreement only enhanced the discussion. Indeed, some people would play the devil's advocate just to increase the quality and scope of the conversation. Maybe that's why I have such a hard time understanding why people these days, young and old alike, tend to shy away from these conversations. I wonder why. Are they fearful of appearing opinionated or impolite, of having someone point out the flaws in their logic, of learning something new that might challenge their belief systems? Whatever the reason, it's certainly a shame because we need to talk to one another, perhaps now more than ever.

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Some of my older relatives may read the part about Daddy and Dick and shake their heads, wondering what good ever came of those "talks." It is more than possible that these two loving brothers might have actually taken a swing at one another from time to time. But, if nothing else, the talks made me very aware at a young age that good people can disagree about important things. We shouldn't give up these conversations. Rather, we should work to make them constructive. It was with great delight that I watched Jon Stewart appear on Crossfire just before the presidential election. He told the hosts that they (and media in general) were part of the problem. That rather promoting an agenda of intelligent discourse, they continually resorted to bi-partisan sloganeering. My head involuntarily nodded "yes" as I watched Mr. Stewart, the host of Comedy Central's Daily Show, blast mainstream media for doing such a lousy job of journalism. So who or what is at fault for this sad state of affairs?

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As sad as it may seem perhaps we, the public, are to blame. Evidently, many of us have the attention span of a gnat. Rather than expose ourselves to the complexity involved in many crucial issues we are perfectly content to accept "sound bite" solutions. After all, the kids need to be picked up or dropped off, we had a busy day at work, there's nothing for supper, or American Idol is on. In this reality, the spin-doctors are having a hay day. To say it shortly, succinctly, and often enough seems to make any message "true." And (big sigh) it works. As long as it does work, the chance for meaningful discourse continually wanes. I have a dear friend that is the president of a large national professional association. She had interviews scheduled with various news agencies so she thought it would be prudent to prepare with a media coach. The media coach would ask her various questions and, just as she was getting to the meat of her thoughtful answer, "BUZZZ" went the media coach. "That won't work. You need to keep it short and sweet. You need to just decide what message you want to deliver and then, regardless of the question you are asked, give the prepared message." OUCH! Most people have trouble listening. They are continually preparing what they are going to say rather than listening to what the other person is saying. From my friend's comments it seems like this is now considered "strategy" rather than just plain rude. At least it made me understand why I probably heard so few good answers during this election. Everyone's media coach was telling them that the question, that the conversation just didn't matter. Only the message mattered. People were talking "at" each other rather than "with" each other.

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It may seem to some that (with the help of media) we are more divided than ever as a nation. I beg to differ. I may be naïve but I believe that, regardless of whom we voted for, most of us are left of the religious right and right of the socialistic left. Certainly, we have been very vocal about our differences in this presidential year. But there is likely much common ground where we can meet and move forward to the benefit of all of us (the social security crisis, admittedly a political hot potato, would be a good place to start). To accomplish this, we must start to acknowledge that most issues are complicated and simplistic answers will not suffice. We must reject the sound bites and encourage constructive conversation. We must reach out to others and start a dialogue. We must honor those in the media and in government who support such dialogues. But most of all, we must listen.

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As I noted, the reason the political pundits use sound bites is because they work. We are incredibly susceptible to such tactics. As the recent election showed us, all it takes is a couple of hundred million dollars to get your message entrenched with your audience. As I pondered this, I couldn't help but think about the hundreds of billions of dollars that advertisers spend annually on marketing: promoting their products with catchy slogans, slick print ads, and visually stunning media. They, like the politicos, spend the money because it works. I fear that they have convinced many to measure their own success by the size of their home, the cost of their car, and the name brand on their clothing. I urge you with all my heart to reject these messages. Rather than accepting these false values, take the time to search your soul for your own measures of success. This might be more time with your children (it is true...they will only be young once), more time for volunteerism, more time to write that book you always meant to write, more time for just plain fun. Certainly, all of these "measures" have a financial component. But, in these cases, the money is a tool for success rather than a reflection of it. When possible live simpler lives, lives that are consistent with your values and not those of advertisers. In most cases this will also mean living happier lives.

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...that over the last 19 years, the average investor in equity mutual funds only earned 2.2% even though the equity markets returned double digits during the same time period? The reason? Individual investors, unlike institutions, often "sell low" after market declines and then "buy high" after markets have already rebounded. If you are truly a long-term investor (as you should be if you are investing), acknowledge but control your understandable emotional responses to down markets. And if you are my client be sure to call us whenever you have concerns.

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This is a tough subject this year. So many of you who are reading this recently lost someone special: a spouse, parent, sibling, child, or friend. But all of us have so many reasons to feel gratitude: for the times we have with loved ones, for good cookies, for sunny fall days, for those many small but special moments that make this life an incredible experience. Acknowledge your gratitude daily. And be sure to remind the people around you how special they are.

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November, 2003

"You are only old when your memories exceed your dreams."
-- Dr. Carl Hammerschlag/ FPA Retreat

• Be honest with others AND with yourself. After all, at the end of the day, all you own is your integrity.
• Be flexible. I love dreaming about events/projects in detail. It's fun. But sometimes things don't go as planned. At those times don't let your immediate panic and building frustration ruin all the fun. Remember that last minute changes sometimes make things even better.
• Be forgiving of others AND yourself. Since Adam and Eve got kicked out of the garden, it is our destiny to make mistakes. Learn from them and move forward. Remember, the holidays often provide good opportunities to heal (or reopen) many old wounds. Take advantage of any healing opportunities.
• Accept help. Remember that in doing so, you don't diminish yourself. Rather you let other, caring individuals experience the joy of giving.
• Give help. Perhaps all men were created equal. But it is folly to ignore the difference in circumstances that curtails the opportunity to "move up" for many people. Find a way to help your community (family, local, worldwide). You can make a difference, one person at a time.
• Travel light. How many of us have closets that are so full they are hard to enter? I've gotten the "Clean Sweep" (show on TLC) fever and I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying letting go of "stuff." Go through your "stuff" and get rid of most of it. If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out or give it to someone who can use it. Think twice before you buy more "stuff" that will likely live most of its life in one of those all-too-full closets.
• Celebrate your successes. Many of us pay too much attention to what hasn't been done while disregarding entirely the progress we have made. A suggestion: this holiday, gather your family and/or friends to make a list of all the good things that you have done this year, for others and yourselves. No entry is too insignificant. I promise this will brighten your holiday and provide "gas" for the future journey.
• Be yourself. This is harder than you may suspect. From the day we are born our personal agendas are influenced by our family, friends, and culture. Add to this the media (which says you can never be young enough, rich enough, or skinny enough) and you have a recipe for satisfying everyone but yourself as you try to be what you think you "ought" to be. Take time for self-discovery. Have the courage to be you. Yes, you may initially encounter resistance, both internal and external. But I promise you, the world loves authenticity.
• Be thankful. My media friend, Bob Veres, forwarded a comment by coaching guru Dan Sullivan: "He says that you (we all) should strive to be more grateful to more people with each passing year. " I concur wholeheartedly. We all have so many people to be grateful for (including the woman at the coffee shop who greets you each morning with a smile and your daily order). Take a moment this holiday season to say "thanks." What goes around comes around.
• Dream. As Dr. Hammerschlag notes (see quote above) this is a certain way to stay young.

"The years teach much which the days never knew."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Nobody, as long as he moves about among the chaotic currents of life, is without trouble."
-- Carl Jung

"The only difference between a rut and a grave is the dimensions."
-- WMS Miller

1. Will this choice propel me toward an inspiring future, or will it keep me stuck in the past?
2. Will this choice bring me long-term fulfillment, or will it bring me short-term gratification?
3. Will this choice add to my life force, or will it rob me of my energy?
4. Does this choice empower me, or does it dis-empower me?

Many of you may think it's a bit tacky to "get political" in a holiday newsletter. Those that know how I was raised will understand that this is only natural for me. There is no doubt that Saddam Hussein is a wicked tyrant and that our invasion of Iraq provided relief to many innocent parties. That is not the question at hand. Indeed, if we are going to make that our benchmark for invasion of an independent county, this is the first of many battles we should fight (even in countries without valuable natural resources). The notable disappointment for many of us is that the US does not have a consistent foreign policy (we arm those who we will later fight); that we refuse to build consensus with our international allies; that our actions undoubtedly alienate moderate Arabs that could otherwise become our allies; and most of all, that our government is not totally truthful at the outset of such "missions" in regard to the nature of the aftermath (though what thoughtful person could have believed that Iraq was going to be a quick "in and out"). Even many conservatives were aware of the possible consequences of our recent action in Iraq:

In his memoirs, "A World Transformed," written five years ago, George Bush (Senior) wrote the following to explain why he didn't go after Saddam Hussein at the end of the Gulf War:

    "Trying to eliminate Saddam...would have incurred incalculable Human and political costs. Apprehending him was probably impossible.... We would have been forced to occupy Baghdad and, in effect, rule Iraq.... There was no viable "exit strategy" we could see, violating another of our principles.
    Furthermore, we had been self-consciously trying to set a pattern for handling aggression in the post-Cold War world. Going in and occupying Iraq, thus unilaterally exceeding the United Nations' mandate, would have destroyed the precedent of international response to aggression that we hoped to establish. Had we gone the invasion route, the United States could conceivably still be an occupying power in a bitterly hostile land."

My sincere best wishes for a safe return to all of your family or friends serving in Iraq, fighting what may be an un-winnable war - yes the long-term verdict is still out (anyone remember Viet Nam?). May we as a nation continue to remember that dissent is an important part of democracy and those who do not agree with current policy are no less "patriotic" (perhaps this has been the hardest pill to swallow during the public debate over this war). God bless America and in her wisdom make us wiser for our experiences.

November, 2002

"A journey is like a marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
-- Steinbeck

Now that you've had your laugh, let's talk about the journey of life and how we can all make it more fulfilling. Acceptance is a major theme in many religions. Sure, it sounds good but even people who have deep roots in their faith often have a problem with this. Certainly, I've traveled down many roads to get even close to the one that leads to acceptance. My ego was so convinced that I could "control" my life. After years of trying, I understand that this is impossible. Life is always one step ahead of my attempts to control it. If/when you accept this, you can move forward with renewed vigor. I'm still "on the road" but I would like to share some thoughts on my journey to this place.

"Always look on the bright side of life."
-- Monty Python's Life of Brian

Many people I know are skeptical of "feel-good gurus" and to some extent I understand. These "gurus" often tout feel-good techniques that are not reality based. Dr. Harry Olson, a professional associate of mine and owner of Maximum Potential, says that there are two types of optimism:

1. Optimism based on denial of difficulty - this type crashes when setbacks break through denial.
2. Optimism based on courage to squarely face difficulty. This person walks into his or her fear. This person sees opportunity in obstacles and is proactive and creative, confident in his or her ability to overcome, and strong in faith.

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
-- Thomas Edison

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J. R. (my husband) used to say that I would rather be right than be happy. And, at that time and place, he was right. Ouch! The object of the game is to get what you want. The "right answer" often guards the gate to fulfillment like a warrior for hire. On the other hand, the "good answer" can often serve as a key to that gate. Some examples to show you what I am talking about:

• I was headed off to Florida with a car chock full of precariously packed items for the farm. I was in such a hurry as I had to be there for a real estate closing that afternoon. I was still in Atlanta, stopped at a light, when I simply took my foot off the brake. My head was down, looking for some necessity, when I rolled into the back of a large truck in front of me. Although I was going slow (no gas), the "bump" sent everything around me flying, including one very full Coca Cola. The reality was I messed up. The old me would have focused on this. But when I got out of the car, the reality was also that there was no damage to the truck, it's driver, or me and, while my car did have damage to the grill and the headlights, I was still going to be able to drive it. I thought to myself, "Yeah, I'm not going to have to repaint the car." The new me would suggest that this was the good response, the "good answer." The trip turned out great even though I surely looked like a redneck Momma driving down the road with duct tape around my headlights.
• Let's say you have a 30 year old "child" living at home with little to no direction for the future. His only financial responsibility is to pay his personal bills like his car note and insurance. Day to day, as you review the incoming mail, you continue to see late notices and collection agency requests addressed to the "child." The "right" answer is that the "child" is ruining his credit, may get his car repossessed, or may get fined for expired insurance. You want to step in and "make it right" like you did when he/she was younger and in trouble. I would suggest that the good answer, the one that will get you "what you want" (an "adult" child) might be to step aside and let him/her take a fall. Reality factor: The good answer is not always the easy answer. And in this case, if one of those bills is for medical insurance (and you can't stand the idea of him getting hurt or sick and ending up at Grady Hospital with other indigents), you may choose to just take care of that bill and let everything else go. The important thing is that once you decide on the "good answer" you commit to it. "Letting go" applies not only to the child himself but also to your possible feelings of guilt for having done so.
• You and your spouse have divided up household tasks and it is your spouse's job to take out the trash. But they don't. You end up having the job of constantly reminding them (some folks call this nagging) to do it. The right answer is that you are a partnership and your spouse should live up to his/her commitment to the family. You feel fully justified in reminding him/her of this. Unfortunately this rarely changes things and can even make it worse. Look outside the box for the "good answer," the answer that will get you what you want. In this case there may be many good answers. One might be to just quit reminding the spouse and let the trash pile up. I know, again this is difficult. Most "good answers" require acceptance of things or conditions we might not like. But one thing I can tell you is that having that same old "conversation" means that things probably won't change...ever.
• I was getting ready to write this letter tonight and got very nervous about the task. My heart started racing and I started pacing. The right answer is that I am probably scared at revealing myself yet again, of not being "perfect," of not being inspirational. The good answer is that the nervousness has also increased my energy level. I can use this to my benefit... if I choose to.

I was at the oral surgeon's office last month to get some much dreaded gum work done. My doctor, Dr. Flynn, is a caring practitioner and he called me that night to see how I was doing. He asked me, "Have you been smoking?" All of a sudden I was an 8 year old with cookie crumbs around my mouth, my mother asking, "Did you eat those cookies?" I told him no. It was a lie but somehow I justified it by thinking that I had cut way down, only smoking one cigarette since my office visit. After I hung up, I started wondering if this is how my clients feel about some of the questions I ask them. Do they suddenly become children in the face of a perceived authority figure, answering with what their interior eight year old perceives to be the good answer ("Who me? No, Mama, I didn't have any cookies.")? Later I shared these thoughts with Dr. Flynn as I am sharing them with you. When dealing with the professionals in our lives, be they doctors, financial planners, accountants, coaches, we often "dress up" our lives. Not only is that unnecessary, it is counter-productive, often impeding the professional from rendering appropriate treatment/advice/counseling. So take your shoes off and get comfortable with the professionals in your life. Let them know the real you. As for me, I'm certainly going to try and make my little lie to Dr. Flynn my last such lie for sometime to come.

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Wait a second. Haven't I been talking about the journey of life and your inability to control it? Yes I have. But controlling and planning are very different things. You can't control the fact that life will have its pitfalls. But planning can help you survive many of life's pitfalls while expending less precious energy and time doing so. Planning can help you determine your values and goals and prioritize your life accordingly. Certainly, you will have to make adjustments to your plan along the way as new issues arise (a new job, a child, a death, a move). Life requires flexibility. But having a plan (both short-term, like how am I going to get through the day and long-term, like will I ever want to retire and, if so, will I have enough money) will help you make time for those things that are most important to you. Plan for time with your spouse/family/friends. Plan for taking adventures throughout your life instead of waiting until some day in the distant future. Plan for installing that garden you have wanted for years. It beats the hell out of waking up one day saying, "I just wish I had ..."

November, 2001

"What a long, strange trip it's been."
-- Grateful Dead

Over the past 14 months, I have been to two milestone reunions, my 30th at Westminster and my 25th at Rice. Am I really that old? JR and I "hang out" with so many "young" people that I often just forget. At least until the differences in our history becomes obvious in conversation. And there are differences as certainly exist between all generations. But somehow this feels different. "Our generation is different." I've approached this subject with various people and usually get laughed at. One of my dear uncles replied, "Isn't every generation." Well, I've thought about it a lot and stick by my guns. But perhaps the "generation" I refer to is bigger than the baby boom and includes all of us who lived more than 40 years in the 20th century. Certainly there are events that shape every generation and we've had ours: the rise and fall of communism, Vietnam, Civil Rights. But these are not what I am talking about. I believe that history will show that the 20th century was a great dividing line in the evolution of civilization. That families and cultures will look significantly different after the transition than they did before. Let's take a look at some of the developments I think shape this "evolution."

• The Atomic Bomb - For over 50 years we've lived with weapons of mass destruction and delivery methods that insure our ability to annihilate ourselves. How could this not shape our destiny in previously unheard of ways?
• The Pill - I still remember my first visit to Planned Parenthood when I was 17. I was overjoyed by my ability to control my own sexual destiny. And I wasn't alone. With greater reliability than ever, women were able to plan their families and careers. The impact on family life is undeniable.
• Advances in Biotechnology - So many issues-some negative, many positive, all without precedence. We can clone a sheep, we can help infertile couples have a family, and our ability to cure diseases of all kinds is just on the horizon. Sure there are moral issues. But what great advance is devoid of them?
• The Moon Landing - I thought twice about including this example, as the need for exploration and discovery seem to be inherent in man since the beginning of our history. But for the first time, we left the planet. And, as astronauts looked back on our planet, shining in the darkness of space as they traveled to the moon, for the first time we understood that we are all citizens of one Earth.
• Computers and the Information Age - My ability to plan my workday has been shot ever since fax machines became prevalent. Everything is "go, go, now, now" with no slowdown in sight. The human brain when coupled with a powerful computer can complete what would previously be a lifetime of research in mere months. We have the ability to share information globally and with little restriction, an advance which will nurture more discoveries in a shorter time than we can even dream of. Information on almost anything is readily available (sometimes whether you want it or not). I'm sure that men of the Iron Age looked upon their new tools as "life changing," as they certainly were. And people who experienced the Industrial Revolution saw great cultural changes as people moved from rural areas to cities with factories and industry. But are such times really analogous? I don't think so.

One of the most interesting things I became aware of at my reunions is how easy it is to feel alienated from those around us. Certainly, reunions are a time for renewing dear friendships and valued acquaintances. And this does make us feel "connected." But it is also a time when we remember that estranged teenager that lives within us: perhaps the one that wasn't part of the "in group," the one that ate lunch alone, the one that didn't get invited to the prom. You know, that estranged teenager often still lives in the adult in us making it hard for us to identify with those around us. I listened to and read (on questionnaires) tales of such alienation and couldn't help but wonder about our fate as human beings. If such basically homogeneous groups of people had such difficulty finding common ground, of "belonging," how were groups of people from significantly different cultures going to find a firm basis for understanding and cooperation? It so happened that the high school reunion was just after the September 11th attacks, attacks that were definitely incited by a collision of cultures (albeit with a hefty portion of dangerous and malevolent nuts thrown in). How was America, a country that had long struggled with the diversity within, going to resolve this conflict of culture? The answer became clearer as the days passed. We would start from within. In the days following the attack, suddenly we were no longer black or white, Jewish or Muslim, liberal or conservative. We were Americans. The examples of cross-cultural cooperation were numerous. NYC reveled in its "melting pot" complexion. There were stories of Jewish women who shopped for Muslim women who were understandably afraid to leave their homes. One of the events that touched me the most was the memorial service in Yankee Stadium. I got chill bumps as the Harlem Youth Choir sang a glorious rendition of "We Shall Overcome." It was as if the African American population was giving this song, a song of endurance and triumph, a song that had long been reserved as the anthem of their own struggles, to all of us. And so I smiled. Yes, we had endured a great national tragedy. But perhaps, even as the smoke still rose from ground zero, some benefit would emerge. Perhaps we would start to learn as a nation to look past the color of a person's skin, their religion, their politics, their sex, their sexual preference, and realize we were more alike than we were different. We are bound by our ability to experience both love and pain, by our commitment to family, friends, and community, by our need to feel "connected." And so I hope. I hope that this unity born of disaster will not be like the fantastic flower that blooms gloriously only to fade in a few days. I hope it will be like the hardy perennial that endures cold winters and drought and provides satisfying blossoms for many years. I hope it spreads like a vigorous ground cover to obscure national boundaries. That would be an honorable legacy from all of this. So I encourage you to reach out to those who aren't like you. Invite them into your lives. Perhaps one day we will see two bumper stickers on the cars we pass: "Proud to be an American" and "Proud to be a citizen of the world." I hope.

"In the field of opportunity it's plowing time again."
-- Neil Young

"Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, 'Grow, grow.'"
-- The Talmud

The outpouring of financial generosity from Americans since the September 11th attacks has been enormous. Indeed, charities for New York relief efforts have raised over a billion and a half dollars. This is very good news. But, as with most things, there are two sides to the story. Traditionally, Americans give about 2 billion dollars a year to charity. There is some concern in the charitable community that, especially given the economic downturn, this amount will remain fixed and dollars typically given to local charities that were diverted to the New York efforts will not be replaced. If true, this could be disastrous and cuts in programs that serve your/our community could be drastic. So, if you were one of the lucky ones who have weathered the economic storm and emerged with your ship "in tact" I implore you to find a cause you are interested in and give generously. Such gifts are not without personal rewards. The satisfaction you and your family receive from making such a gift in this holiday season will shine brighter than any holiday lights. And (says the financial planner) it will be good stimulus for the economy as in most cases, charities operate on a shoestring budget and any gifts given (unless specified otherwise) will be spent on the day-to-day needs of the donee. (NOTE: Clients are encouraged to contact us for documentation requirements and tax-wise strategies for larger gifts.)

"If you can walk, you can dance. If you can talk, you can sing."

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I'm looking up at the sunset sky I painted on my office ceiling over the last 2 days. It isn't perfect but what is? My body is sore but that will fade. It was so much fun to think about it and even to actually do it. A little scary perhaps. You see, I was one of those children that couldn't draw (I still can't). For years, I thought that meant I wasn't an "artistic" person. I, and others, labeled myself at an early age and it's taken until my 40s to get over it. There's no telling how many fun projects I avoided for so many years because I thought "I couldn't do it." The moral of this story? Avoid labels that limit you and don't wait until you are 40. As Rosetta, the woman who helped raised me, used to always say, "Can't never did nothin'."

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As many of you know, the beginning of my year was pretty rocky. On New Year's Day, my dear brother Tuck was sitting on my sofa very depressed and more than a little drunk. He had been drunk for days (years?). The good news is that, with several months of rehab and an outstanding outpouring of love and support from his extended family and friends (thank you all), he is now sober. Even better than that, he is spiritually "awake" for the first time in years and is working diligently for a life that is filled with joy, family, and friends. Tuck didn't give up. As for me, this year, which started out on such a low point, turned out to be my best in more than a decade. You just never know. I tell my clients that, when traveling the road of life, they need to take the time to enjoy the view from the high points (and I have) as the road will surely travel back down into the valley. But that's OK. I am sure the view from the next hill is magnificent.

"If you aren't happy, pretend that you are. It's mostly in the trappings."
-- Ali McBeal's Therapist

You know, I do believe this. So much in fact that I've spent the last few years doing some serious work on me. It wasn't that I wasn't happy. I'm one of those people who is eternally optimistic. But boy was I moody. Anxiety and worry would often get the best of me. The result: compulsion, perfectionism, insomnia and uncontrolled anger. And this after years with self-study on the causes of anxiety and methods for dealing with it. I was beginning to believe that maybe this "disorder" was something my subconscious just didn't want to fix. (I've always had lingering thoughts that my shortcomings, so linked to my passion for life, were to some extent what made me special. How's that for convenient thinking?) After all, the anxious me who never sleeps and worries about the smallest detail does get an awful lot done. But one day post-rehab, I was talking to my brother, Tuck, and went into one of my spur of the moment rants. The new, wiser Tuck didn't get defensive. Instead, he said with feeling and concern, "Bobbie Dow, I'm just scared one day you are going to work yourself up into a heart attack and I'll lose you." Well this set me down pretty hard. It was only a few short months before that I had been worried about losing him. He wasn't the only one giving out advice. My doctor, who has watched me run so fast for years, occasionally head on into a brick wall, was also concerned. He was smart about the way he approached it. He congratulated me on all the behavioral work I had done (and it had helped). But he said he had something he wanted me to try. And finally I was ready. So I started taking Paxil, an anti-anxiety drug. I was one of the lucky ones. I swear I started to feel the beneficial effects in only a week. It's been pretty much smooth sailing since then. Sure, the obstacles and worrisome events keep coming...they always will. But the new me (the one who sleeps and enjoys her weekends) is able to think before reacting. It is much easier to apply those behavioral lessons I so diligently learned, to let go of things I can't control and concentrate on those I can, to accept others (AND myself) for who they are and not who I would have them to be. I mention all of this because for years, I have been an advocate of chemical therapies as I've seen them work so well for others ("Better living through chemistry" as one long-time friend puts it). And yet, for so long I resisted taking anything myself. A lot of wasted time. You know, we don't think twice about diabetics taking daily injections of insulin (in conjunction with a good diet-there is always an active role for one to play in their own self-help) to regulate their blood sugar. I submit that similarly there is no blame or shame in using other fruits of scientific advances to advance our own well-being. So if you are suffering with anxiety or depression, talk to your doctor. It may take time to find the cure (chemical therapy in conjunction with behavioral changes) that works for you but it is definitely worth the effort. My husband and staff now have a new cheer they recite every time I act appropriately in an adverse situation....."Go Paxil, go Paxil."

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December, 2000

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin-real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."
-- Alfred D. Souza

Boy, does this sound familiar to anyone but me? I suspect we all live part of our lives in this state of mind. The lucky ones figure it out early. Then there are those, the diehards, that perpetually and literally bind themselves with the petty details of daily life, never taking the time, or the chance to discover and live their dream. There is some safety in this as it is familiar territory. You accept the frustrations that have become almost comfortable, you reach for only those things you know you can grasp, and yet part of you longs for some missing component, a "happiness" component if you will. I was watching TV the other night and it was one of those unusual times when a character actually had something meaningful to say. He reminisced, "Comes a time when a man has done what he can and it's just not happening. Time's running out and he's facing the fact he may never make it wherever he wanted to go . So he just sits back and let's go. His life opens up like a clinched fist and it's like the universe was just waiting to put everything he wanted into the palm of his hand. " This guy was middle aged which is consistent with his reflections. But I can remember being only 20 and stuck like a deer in the headlights as I contemplated my future. I can remember one Christmas evening at my Uncle Dick's house. I was home from college and I can still hear today as clearly as I did then, a cousin's husband remark, "There goes Bobbie Dow talking about the meaning of life again." Didn't I have to figure it all out before I began?

"If you think you can or think you can't you're right."
-- Henry Ford

"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it."
-- Goethe

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me. But it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes, I feel like I'm seeing it all at once. And it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude. For every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about. But don't worry............. you will someday."

Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey)
American Beauty
(As he dies at the end.)